Actual Answers to Sixth Grade History Tests (Issue 3)

I was told by one of my history professors that she knew a collegue of hers who insists that these are answers from actual college students, not sixth graders. However, Hank (refer to page 7) loaned me a book by the title of The Pocket Book of Boners, An Omnibus of School Boy Howlers and Uncoscious Humor, that is packed full of amazingly similar anecdotes. The back of the book defines boners as "true, actual misteps, misprints, and misconeceptions." Kinda like a malaprop, I guess.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

7. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

8. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

14. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

15. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

16. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

17. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

18. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

19. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

20. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

21. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

22. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

23. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

24. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

25. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Anagrams (Issue 3)

- Dormitory - Dirty Room
- Desperation - A Rope Ends It
- The Morse Code - Here Come Dots
- Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em
- Animosity - Is No Amity
- Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
- Snooze Alarms - Alas! No More Z's
- Alec Guinness - Genuine Class
- Semolina - Is No Meal
- The Public Art Galleries - Large Picture Halls, I Bet
- A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place
- The Earthquakes - That Queer Shake
- Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
- Contradiction - Accord not in it
- "To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." - "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
- "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." - Neil Armstrong - "A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"

You might be a Redneck Jedi Warrior if...(Issue 3)

- You ever utter the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer gray.
- You have a rifle rack on your land speeder.
- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
- You have an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
- You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.
- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum 'skeeters.
- Wookies are offended by your B.O.
- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer.
- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
- Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
- You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electroshock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
- You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks like a little sissy in that vest.
- You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
- Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
- You ever fell in love with your sister.
- You have ever referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Commies".
- You have a sister who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
- You have a wife who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck and a cooler.
- In your opinion, that Darth Vader fella "just ain't right."

Teenage Fanclub, Meet Star Wars (Issue 2)

- "So far Gone" becomes "So Falcon Gone"
- "Everything Flows" becomes "A-wingthing Flows"
- "Ret Liv Dead" becomes "Hutt Liv Dead" and "Fett Live Dead"
- "Gene Clark" becomes "Gammorhean Clark"
- "Star Sign" becomes "DeathStar Sign"
- "Don't Look Back" becomes "Darth Look Back!" and "Don't Luck Back"
- "Commercial Alternative" becomes "Calrissian Alternative"
- "Planets" stays "plants"
- "Hang on" becomes "Han On"
- "Ain't That Enough" becomes "Ain't that Endor"
- "December" becomes "Degobacember"
- "A Catholic Education" becomes "A Jedi Education"
- "He'd Be A Diamond" becomes "Hoth Be A Diamond"
- "Speed of Light" becomes "Speederbike of Light"
- "Fear of Flying" becomes "Fett of Flying" and "Fear of Flying my X-wing" and "F-Leia of Flying"
- "I Don't Want Control of You" becomes "I Don't Want Control of Chewbacca"
- "Don's Gone Columbia" becomes "Han's Gone Columbia"
- "Verisimilitude" becomes "Vaderismilitude"
- "Get Funky" becomes "Fett Funky"
- "Norman 3" becomes "Norman 3PO"

Random Silliness that Usually Ends up on the Back of Someone's Car (Issue 2)

- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
- Many people quit looking for work when they opened, small stain.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
- Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink.
- Join the Army, travel to exotic places, meet interesting people, kill them.
- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
- Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
- Support the right to bare arms - wear short sleeves!
- Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 states!
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
- If progress means to move forward, what does Congress mean?